So as is typical, I was perusing the profiles.

So as is typical, I was perusing the profiles.  With horror it hit me, I can't remember whether I sent some of these women notes or not!

Give me a fucking break! I don't want to be one of those guys that unknowingly sends multiple emails to the same women not realizing it at all.  Maybe, I already am.  I've thought about making a list, but I never follow through: it seems too calculated, too contrived.

"Well, let's see here.  I haven't sent Becky4278 a note in a few months.  Perhaps, it wouldn't hurt to give it another go. Ha, ha, ha, you just never know."

Yeah, I am still here.

Yeah, I am still here.

Gotta love my post rate of once every other year!  Let's try and improve on this. shall we?

I recall a song from my high school days ...

Freedom of choice
Is what you've got
Freedom from choice is what you want

- Devo

So true, so true.  Sigh ...

Hi! My name is Jack and I am an online dater.  I am also a dad and an attorney but I spend much less time on those pursuits.

I hate online dating.  It controls my life.  It's like a drug. I don't think there are any 12 step programs.  There are only two ways out: one isn't terribly desirable; and the second relies on someone else, someone I have not met yet, someone whose name I don't know, someone is I find very attractive but I have never seen her face, someone, someone, someone.

Someone, I fear, may not even exist!  Oh shutter that thought from the mind ... dangerous, dangerous thoughts!

Another song just popped into my head.  Let's sing it in our minds:

Love is the drug I'm thinking of, love is the drug for me ...ohhh ooooohh ...

- Spandu Balłet

It's been three years since my divorce and four since the ex came to me one evening after the twins were put to bed and asked.  I protested, but she had been wanting this for some time, like years.  There was no changing her mind. My pleas to give counseling another try fell on deaf ears.  She actually was shocked I was so distraught about it.  Minutes to prepare vs years is a big difference.

At one point of weakness she seemed to relent but turned to me and said, "I have done things you could never forgive me for". Later I would realize this was a rare moment of honesty: something my ex doesn't have much of.  On the other hand, I can't lie even if my life depended on it. I am a terrible liar: I blame my parents. Together we exhibited about average honesty, I suppose.

Certainly, as we progress through this blog more will come out about her, but she isn't any more than an ancillary character, one of great importance in shaping my search but very little more.

I will say this about her: I am terribly glad she let me go.  My present struggles and tribulations are one thing but my continued life with her would have rendered me an emotionless shell kind of like a true life example of someone wearing a white Lycra full bodysuit.  You know, the ones that completely cover the wearer's head, face and all rendering the wearer nothing more than an inhuman humanoid lacking character, lacking emotion, lacking expression and lacking any reason to live.

Oh God!  I truly hate online dating.  I need my someone to get me off of it.  I need an intervention.

I hope this Fails!

I conceived of this blog a couple of months ago, but then I began dating a women and it looked at least for a while that, well, I wouldn't be gathering any new experiences to chronicle. Unfortunately, things didn't progress and this experience will likely be written about in the coming weeks and months.

Truth be told, I would like nothing more than to have a reason to stop writing.  Just sayin...

Forty Nine

Forty Nine ... It isn't an age I ever expected to reach. Don't get me wrong: I never thought I would die before 49. I just thought it was in the infinite future of a long life.  But here I am and it doesn't look the way I envisioned it even as recently as a few years ago.  I am single again. 

In the immediate aftermath of my wife of 13 years asking for a divorce, I wondered whether I was doomed to being single the rest of my life, whether I would shuffle about my house alone in old age turning the TV on just to hear the voices of others, whether I would have anyone I could call family to confide in after my kids grew up and moved on to new families of their own.  The bucolic image of my wife and I sitting in rocking chairs on the porch watching our visiting grandkids play in the yard was replaced with black: black as in a wall extending in all directions. I had no future.

Hey Jack, pass me the bottle of Jack:  I need a little self medication.  Hey Doc, my back really hurts, can I get one of those pink cards?

I can understand why many going through a divorce can become self destructive. The person we considered a best friend and confidant all of a sudden becomes our adversary.  Our understanding of our place in the world is turned upside down: no longer are we the dutiful husband and father; no longer is our place in society certain.  The pain can be immense. You stare longingly at the corner of your bedroom just wanting to curl up in ball against it and rock back and forth chanting "I'm OK, I'm OK".

 But life goes on and slowly the black curtain lifts at first giving you mere glimpses of life on the other side.  I met my ex through a personal ad in the Westward, a weekly entertainment newspaper serving Denver, so it should not be at all surprising that I immediately turned to the various online dating sites to survey the situation.  My biggest concern: was there dating over 40.  I honestly did not know.  I had spent most of my preceding years in upper middle class suburbia where everyone was seemingly happily married except for the few pre-senior singles sprinkled here and there in the neighbourhood who seemed content to be alone. 

I was surprised.  The numbers of singles in their late-thirties or beyond was astounding. Clearly, there was life after divorce for a person in his forties: in fact the opportunities seemed almost boundless. Dating was alive and well among the middle aged set (you have no idea how difficult it was to write the "middle age" label). After surveying Match and many eligible women on it, I was convinced finding a new relationship was going to be easy especially when my qualifications were considered.

I was so wrong.

It's a numbers game.  Online dating that is.  You have to send out 100 emails to get 25 responses of which only 15 will continue with back and forth communication.  Of the 15 conversations a third or so will peter through lack of interest.  You will attempt to schedule first dates with the remaining 10 and you will be unsuccessful in several.  You meet about 6-8 potential matches.  At least two and often more, are not as though they appeared in their profiles: they are older and heavier than their photos and profiles represented. Most of the remaining are usually nice but not your type: there is no chemistry.

If you are lucky, there will be one person (and maybe two if really lucky) that you actually want to go out with again. Ahh... but is she or he interested in going out with you again? Sadly, the chemistry is often felt in one direction.  If this is the case, back to the drawing board and another 100 emails.  And even if there is mutual chemistry, slow down, we are only talking about a second date.  You still have a long way to go to relationship status.

This is a blog about my experiences as a newly single dad approaching 50 and my experiences in the dating world the second time around.  Let's hop back on the horse and get started.  It promises to be quite a ride...